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"To me, it's embarrassing that all these white kids are playing their dad's music wearing their dad's clothes while some 17-year-old in Compton is making the music of the next century." — Bono

Dear BaE: Ask Us Anything! Advice from Fake Bono and Fake Edge

Dear BaE

Welcome to our little advice column! You really can ask us (almost) anything, but please note: Dear BaE is written by members of the AtU2 staff, for entertainment purposes only. Neither Bono nor Edge are involved in any way, except as they exist in our tiny little brains. No Bonos or Edges were harmed during the creation of this column. Enjoy!

 

Dear BaE,

I just wanna say that you guys look great for your age. I’ve been your biggest fan since 2001, when my mom would sit in the kitchen all night with a large vodka, a box of tissues, and All That You Can’t Leave Behind on the boombox. Anyway, I’m about to turn 29 and being old scares me. Any advice on how to keep my face from turning into beef jerky? Products? Surgery? I trust you completely. Rock on dudes.

Jimbo,
Fort Lee, New Jersey

 

Fake Edge: Hi Jimbo. Naturally we all want to be the very best we can be at any age, but before we give you any advice we’d like to assure you that you are in fact still quite young―

 

Fake Bono: Still wet behind the ears there, Jimbo lad!

 

Fake Edge: Exactly. Wait, what does that even mean?

 

Fake Bono: Dunno. Amniotic fluid? Hey Jimbo, say hi to yer mum for me.

 

Fake Edge: …Anyway, you may or may not know that I’ve made a comprehensive study of the interconnection between health and food. Therefore, rather than recommend any kind of product or procedure, I urge you to eat a lot of fresh fruit and veg, organic if you can afford it―

 

Fake Bono: Grow it yourself if you’ve got a big house with land, like we do. In France...Excuse me. One second. Hello, Enzo. For lunch I think I’ll have the fettucine con ovoli, parmigiano, e tartufo bianco along with a Guinness. And Edge wants...just a quart of raw blueberries, yes?

 

Fake Edge: The usual.

 

Fake Bono: And...ooh, how about some pan fried morel mushrooms...for the table.

 

Fake Edge: But I don’t like thos―

 

Fake Bono: Thank you, Enzo! Back to the question at hand. Jimbo, the vast majority of the world’s population was not blessed with Edge’s exquisite bone structure. That’s just a sad fact. I pick my battles and focus on my strengths. If you have a million dollar smile, for example, do what you can to turn it into a billion dollar smile. If legendary hair is your calling card, there are things you can do to ensure that it stays legendary. Then let everything else do what it’s going to do anyway. This gives the impression that you are also a formidable intellect with other interests.

 

Fake Edge: With some dedication, I’ve found that it’s possible to turn what some might view as a fashion liability into an iconic non-issue.

 

Fake Bono: I love your 365 little hats.

 

Fake Edge: Thanks, B. Of course, exercise is also key. You don’t have to be able to get on your knees and bend yourself all the way back till your head touches your heels while playing the “Mysterious Ways” solo, but―

 

Fake Bono: But it couldn’t hurt!

 

Fake Edge: It could actually hurt a lot. I was going to say, a little weight-bearing exercise such as jogging or walking will do wonders.

 

Fake Bono: Or you could just hurl yourself into a crowd of adoring fans and let them bear your weight.

 

Fake Edge: I think that’s a little beyond the means of most New Jersey residents.

 

Fake Bono: What about Springsteen?

 

Fake Edge: Fair point.

 

Fake Bono: Sinatra…

 

Fake Edge: Please, this is not the time to go all moon-eyed. We’re addressing Jimbo’s concerns now.

 

Fake Bono: [clears throat] Right. You know, working on my very real and totally not ghostwritten autobiography has forced me to dig up a lot of old band pictures. We were all young and fresh-faced at the beginning―I mean, Larry was basically a zygote―but what you see in those young faces is merely the outer manifestation of our innocence.

 

Fake Edge: Oh, here we go…

 

Fake Bono: So perhaps the best advice we can offer young Sonny Jimbo Lad is, guard your innocence.

 

Fake Edge: And at the same time, getting older, even as old as Bono, who will turn 60 mere weeks from now―

 

Fake Bono: I will become a #sexygenarian, young Edge.

 

Fake Edge: Being as old as Bono is a gift and one you should embrace, especially during these troubling times. We want you and all of our fans to live long and fulfilling lives.

 

Fake Bono: Yes. You must stay safe because we fully plan to create new music for you, possibly as soon as six to eight years from now! So ultimately reaching the point where you have a face like mine is the goal. This issue is so important to me that I am commemorating it with an exciting new activism bracelet. Can you read it from that distance, Edge, or do you require your readers?

 

Fake Edge: You know I have the eyesight of an eagle, Bono, and I can read it from here.

 

Fake Bono: Do you love it?

 

Fake Edge: It’s highly appropriate. I’ll let you read it to Jimbo.

 

Fake Bono: THE GOAL IS OLD!

 

Fake Edge: It certainly is, B. And now, I will play us out with some of those silvery harmonics that you love so well.

 

Fake Bono: Thank you, The Edge. As Yer Man wrote in Sam* 5:11, “Let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread your protection over them, even in Fort Lee, New Jersey.” And FFS wash your damn hands.

 

Fake Edge: And don’t touch Bono’s face.

 

*Bongolese for “Psalm”

 

Do you have a burning question for Fake Bono and Fake Edge? Follow them on Twitter (@DearBAEatu2) and ask! They are capable of answering questions about U2, questions related to U2, and questions that have nothing to do with U2 at all.

Note: Fake Bono and Fake Edge are not real. They are two people pretending to be them. They cannot put you in touch with U2. They cannot help you with your music career, and they have no plans to come to Brazil anytime soon.

 

© Dednoting, Renegado / @U2 2020