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[W]e're all members of the Frisbeetarian Order. . . . We believe that when you die your soul goes up on a roof and you can't get it down. -- Bono

Dear BaE Volume 6: Masks, Buttery Voices and a Visit from Fake Larry

Dear BaE

 

Welcome to our little advice column! You really can ask us (almost) anything, but please note: Dear BaE is written by members of the AtU2 staff, for entertainment purposes only. Neither Bono nor Edge are involved in any way except as they exist in our tiny little brains. No Bonos or Edges were harmed during the creation of this column. Enjoy!

 

Dear BaE,

Last month I saw photos of the two of you on vacation in Italy and Greece, and you weren’t wearing face masks in some of them, even in group shots with strangers. Care to explain?

—Audrey, who is concerned about you.
Fort Lee, New Jersey

 

Fake Bono: You pose an excellent question, Audrey.

Fake Edge: She really does. This situation has thrown us into an existential crisis of sorts.

Fake Bono: And if I may, I’d like to break the—would you say it’s the fourth wall?

Fake Edge: When an actor on stage addresses the audience, that person is breaking the imaginary fourth wall, so...

Fake Bono: But I want to address the real us. That seems more like the ceiling. Yes. Let’s break the ceiling, Fake The Edge.

Fake Edge: Let’s do it. [looks up] Attention, Real Edge!

Fake Bono: [looks up] Achtung, Real Bono! Fake Edge and myself need the two of you to take your health seriously, and that includes wearing masks while you’re in public, and especially when you’re interacting with people you’ve just met. I mean…[shakes head].

Fake Edge: If—and perish the thought—IF one or both of you ceased to exist—

Fake Bono: What would happen to us? Would we disappear? Would we join you in The Beyond?

Fake Edge: Who can say?

Fake Bono: I don’t wanna disappear simply because you can’t be arsed to wear a mask, Real Me. What would Fake Edge do without me?

Fake Edge: Real Bono, I would like to present the following gif as Exhibit A.

Bono Spray Gif

Fake Bono: Wow. Whatever happened to that jacket? It’s cool.

Fake Edge: That is Real You spraying the word “so.” It’s a good example of how far a person’s breath can travel when they have lungs as mighty as your own. This is the way diseases are spread. Frankly, someone like you requires a mask with multiple filters and reinforcements.

Fake Bono: You don’t have to convince me. [addresses ceiling again] One of the reasons why you’re the most lovable men in rock is because you can’t say no to your fans. We realize you’re just being nice, but wear a damn mask, Real Us.

 

 

Dear BaE,

Hi guys. I love U2 X-Radio. Do you think you can get Larry to do a show? He can play old Irish drinking songs.

—Lady78,
Fort Lee, New Jersey

 

Fake Bono: Oh dear Lady, you’ve presented us with a challenge.

Fake Edge: Indeed. You see, Larry loves to play gigs and—well, let’s just say he’s willing to tolerate the recording process. But he’s not that into all of these ancillary things we do.

Fake Bono: Ancillary things?

Fake Edge: Side projects.

Fake Bono: Oh, right. Yeah, I was afraid we’d lost him entirely after Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark. But it’s true—Larry is a private man and a bit of a cipher. He likes to observe the world from the shadowy places. One might even say he moves in mysterious ways. 

Fake Edge: Fortunately, we know where to find him.

Fake Bono: Those bleep-bloops you hear are the sounds of Edge contacting Larry on ZoomTV.

Fake Edge: It’s just Zoom, Bono. Not ZoomTV.

Fake Bono: Boring.

Fake Edge: Here he is. Oh come on, Larry. Turn on your video.

Fake Larry: No.

Fake Bono: Come on, Larry. Give us a glimpse of that preternaturally youthful face.

Fake Larry: [grumbling] Fine. I just want you two to know that you’ve interrupted me dinner.

Fake Bono: Sorry. What are you having?

Fake Larry: Strangozzi al tartufo nero.

Fake Edge: Oh, pasta with mushrooms.

Fake Larry: Yeah. So what’s going on? This better be important.

Fake Edge: We’ve got a request from a fan. She was hoping you would play some old Irish drinking songs on U2 X-Radio.

Fake Larry: No.

Fake Bono: Do it, Larry. You know you want to. Give us a little “Whiskey In The Jar.”

Fake Edge: You have to do “The Irish Rover.”

Fake Bono: “Farewell To My Lassie From Ballymagiggle.”

Fake Edge: “The Bonnie Red Road to Old Mollyshannons.”

Fake Bono: “When I Left Me Wee Pint On The Roof O’ Me Beemer.”

Fake Larry: Are you finished?

Fake Bono: Mostly.

Fake Larry: Am I to be singing or just playing records?

Fake Edge: I believe some of the fans would love to hear you sing.

Fake Larry: [grumbling]

Fake Bono: Does this mean you’re considering it? Oh, we’re getting that “unstable internet connection” message. Edge, fix it.

Fake Edge: Sadly, I think Larry has returned to his strangozzi. 

Fake Bono: Can we do the Irish drinking songs then?

Fake Edge: No.

 

 

Dearest Fake Bono,

Please continue to read lyrics as the poetry they are. Your voice is like butter.

—A group of Fort Lee residents (via Twitter)

 

Fake Edge: Our friends are referring to the Van Morrison tribute that was on U2 X-Radio a few weeks ago. Adam and I introduced some of our favorite tunes and provided respectful, low-key anecdotes. You, on the other hand, decided to get creative.

Fake Bono: I was merely reinventing rap whilst requesting a moondance.

Fake Edge: I should mention to our friends that earlier this summer Bono asked me to come up with about ten minutes of—how did you describe it, exactly?

Fake Bono: “Cool jazz meanderings.” You had nothing better to do.

Fake Edge: Fair enough, and I must admit I enjoyed taking on this challenge. I delivered a few ideas and returned to my garden and my little boat.

Fake Bono: I got right to work recording myself reciting lyrics from several Van Morrison classics. Then I placed your meanderings over them. And voila, our tribute went from pedestrian to...well, suffice it to say that listeners are skipping over certain parts of the program but replaying my bits again and again.

Fake Edge: I’ve got to hand it to you, B. Your recitations of those lyrics were nothing short of revelatory.

Fake Bono: We received one complaint, though.

Fake Edge: Is the FCC on your case again

Fake Bono: No, thank f---. The person who complained was one Van Morrison, who should wear a damn mask, by the way. He was enraged that I had made a song about sex actually sound sexy and not like the ravings of a crotchety old man.

Fake Edge: Wanna know a secret? I used to take on a Van Morrison voice when I read the story of Rumplestiltskin to my children, along with that troll under the bridge in the Three Billy Goats Gruff. (This will be edited out of our column, right?)

Fake Bono: (Yes.) And you know how the refrain of “Moondance” is “Can I just have one more moondance with you, my love?”

Fake Edge: Sure.

Fake Bono: It’s not “can I.” It should be “may I.” At the end of the song I always like to say, “I dunno, Van. Can you?”

Fake Edge: You do have impeccable manners.

Fake Bono: I was gritting my teeth every time I had to recite it.

Fake Edge: And yet you still managed to bring the butter.

Fake Bono: I mean, voice work is an avenue I’m definitely considering for future income, especially now that live music is not an option.

Fake Edge: Oh, I think you’ll be just fine.

Fake Bono: I have mouths to feed, Edge! They’re currently eating me out of house and home.

Fake Edge: Then come on over. I’ve got a literal boatload of tomatoes, and I don’t know what I’m going to do with them.

Fake Bono: Great! Wait a second, are the tomatoes actually in the boat?

Fake Edge: No. But they could be.

Fake Bono: And that’s another column wrapped up, U2 fans, you fabulous germ-free adolescents! Please check out our YouTube channel, where each week we will be doling out an improved, HD version of one of our videos, starting with “Stuck In A Moment You Can’t Get Out Of.” Yes, the veil of standard-definition haze has been lifted from that one at last, and you may be shocked to learn that I have blue eyes, for example.

To paraphrase yer man Jeremiah (33:3), “Tweet unto us, and watch our HD videos, and we will answer thee and show thee great and mighty things!” We love you.

 

Do you have a burning question for Fake Bono and Fake Edge? Follow them on Twitter (DearBAEatu2) and ask! They are capable of answering questions about U2, questions related to U2 and questions that have nothing to do with U2 at all.

Note: Fake Bono and Fake Edge are not real. They are two people pretending to be them. They cannot put you in touch with U2. They cannot help you with your music career, and they have no plans to come to Brazil anytime soon.

© @U2/Dednoting/Renegado, 2020