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"I don't think that understanding what our beliefs are is important. What is important is that we get our audiences thinking about things for themselves." -- Adam |
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"I don't think that understanding what our beliefs are is important. What is important is that we get our audiences thinking about things for themselves." -- Adam |
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Like a Song: Summer Rain
@U2,
January 24, 2008
[Ed. note: This is the thirteenth in a series of personal essays by the @U2 staff about songs and/or albums that have had great meaning or impact in our lives.]
 Let's face it, I was a loser. I was married with two small children, working in a job that didn't suit me but fit the bill for cash and health insurance. I was in my mid-30s and still had no idea what I wanted to be when I grew up. How can you have ambition if you've got nothing to be ambitious about? It bothered me some that everyone else around me seemed to have careers, plans, and goals, but I was so busy with the everyday details of working and taking care of my family that I never really stopped to think about the implications. Who had that kind of time? I was in my last week of maternity leave, sad that I was soon to leave my two young children in the care of a sitter to go back to a job I hated. As the events of 9/11 unfolded, I stood in front of the television and cried about the kind of world I'd brought them into, and worried sick about co-workers who happened to be at corporate training in the World Trade Center that week. When they all came back alive and well, I did what everyone in America did: I took stock of my life. I realized that certain things weren't working for me, but I had no idea how to change anything, let alone where to start. Shortly thereafter, I found the answer when I heard "Summer Rain." The song lodged itself in my brain like a popcorn shell between my teeth. When you stop seeing beauty you start growing old The lines on your face are a map to your soul When you stop taking chances you'll stay where you sit You won't live any longer but it'll feel like it Unless you knew me well, I never offered my opinion or viewpoint unless asked point blank. I couldn't risk it; what if I sounded stupid? Except for a few sweet, fleeting moments with my children, I started dreading every waking hour of my day. I took the job because I needed to, not because it was anything I cared about. I love my children, but a newborn and a 2-year-old require a special kind of patience and energy that I always seemed short of. I certainly felt like an exhausted, overweight old lady, and deep crevices were starting to appear on my forehead. I was worried that I had nothing to offer my children, or worse yet, that they would be embarrassed by me. I wanted to be someone they could emulate, but I was far from it. I lost myself in the summer rain I lost myself I lost myself in the summer rain In the summer rain So far, I was only a slacker who couldn't stick to any one thing and hadn't pursued my interests to my fullest abilities. I was losing my sense of humor. I had long ago given up writing, except in a journal I kept at my bedside, and my fancy camera with all the special lenses sat gathering dust on a closet shelf. It never occurred to me that anyone else would be interested in my view of the world, so I let those things drop away even though I enjoyed doing them. I was paralyzed by my fear of failure, so I failed to even try. What was the point? It's not why you're running It's where you're going Growing up, I was taunted mercilessly into thinking I was worthless. My grandmother used to say, "You can do whatever you set your mind to," but how could I believe her? Didn't she know me? I was just one girl in a house full of boys who had run of the place. I was supposed to learn how to take care of them so I could grow up to find another one to take care of, like she and my mother did. But she did know me, better than I knew myself. She knew I hated the idea, and it was her way of telling me that she understood I was capable of much more than what was expected. It's not what you're dreaming But what you're gonna do Eureka! I felt like a cartoon character that had been hit over the head with an anvil. I was shocked to finally understand that other people weren't any better or smarter or more interesting than I was, they just had the confidence to do what they wanted to do. It was almost too simple. All I had to do was something? Anything? Once I realized this, I started to become the person I had always wanted to be. These 10 simple words opened me up to a realm of possibilities I believed were beyond my reach. It's not where you're born It's where you belong Until that point, I had been a casual observer in my own life, waiting for opportunities to find me, instead of the other way around. I started by taking baby steps. I had always wanted to write a song, so I started scribbling horrible couplets into a cheap notebook. I wanted to be more active, so I took walks on my lunch hour instead of sitting around with my friends. I felt like I was taking huge chances, until I decided that it really made no difference whether I'd fail or not; for me, it was all about the journey. Slowly, things started to turn around. My notebook filled with finished songs. The walking turned into running, and I lost 50 pounds as a result. I had the gall to apply for a position as a writer for @U2, and no one was more surprised than me when I was chosen. I had always been a U2 fan, but now I could unfurl my freak flag fully and share my joy with other people, and it led me to a place I'd never imagined I'd be: standing at the feet of the person I admired most in the world and who had been the catalyst for my upheaval. (See photo below.) It's not how weak But what will make you strong There were repercussions to my actions, as well as benefits. I lost some friends who were resentful of my new, active lifestyle. My marriage crumbled away, so I am now raising my children alone. I had three different jobs in 18 months before I landed in a place where I felt appreciated. The worry lines are still there, but now I have laugh lines to match. Regardless, I am still in a much better place and would never go back to being the way I was. What motivates a person to act, or not act? Every year, gyms and weight loss clinics see a surge of activity shortly after New Year resolutions are made, only to watch the crowds dissipate by the end of January. Apparently, nothing changes on New Year's Day, except for the date. It's true for the majority of people who say they want to make changes but aren't willing to actually do anything about it. We complain about our lives and it becomes a crutch, an old friend who encourages you to wallow in the comfort of your apathy. I am no different, but just like the people in the "before" and "after" photos, I understand that resolve is nothing without action. By becoming an active participant in my life, I became outgoing, outspoken and confident. The other me will try to sneak out every once in awhile, but when I feel myself slipping into old habits, I feel Bono's hard nudge in the ribs, the bruise always as fresh as the first time: It's not what you're dreaming But what you're gonna do So, what are you going to do? © @U2/Maione, 2008.
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